This morning was almost too much for me. I went to church, and as is my custom, went and sang with the choir. I kicked myself for not spending some time with our director at the piano first to get my bearings to make sure that I actually could sing with these hearing aids. As church started and we began singing, I felt like I was on the high wire without a net.
I was astounded at how crisp the syllables in the words we sang sounded. It also seemed easier for me to form them. That made me happy. I was still uneasy, though. There were a couple of songs that we did that I hadn’t checked out what verses we were going to sing from them, which normally would have been a disaster because I usually would be lost until the verse ended. This time I heard well enough to be able to instantly find the verses I needed to find, and this astounded me. I’m sure I made some mistakes in singing some of the notes because everything sounded different. I wish I’d been more prepared.
I understood things that I normally would have missed, and I got misty eyed. The more we sang, the more astounded I was in how everyone around me sounded, and the clear sounds of all the instruments.
Even the piano, which has a string that drives our director crazy sounded better. I marveled at its resonance.
Eventually I lost my self control, and got weepy. My choir members were happy for me. Chris, who was sitting next to me was very comforting, and put her arm around me.
My thoughts jumped ahead to the fall when our new choir season starts and we begin practicing again.
And then my meltdown began. I am my own worst enemy, and I reminded myself that these hearing aids have got to go back. I hit tilt, so to speak. When I got home, I realized something. These new discoveries are wearing me out. They’re wearing me out because all of this is temporary, and the more I wear them, the more things that I discover that I never knew about before. My husband is convinced that somehow I will eventually get these things. I’m not so sure. The facts as I know them are that our insurance company has stopped buying hearing aids every three years like they used to, although they don’t tell you this. They just deny your request. The fact that they bought them at all is a tremendous blessing. I’ve done well with my current hearing aids. They revolutionized my life. I function well with them. I can hear 62 % of what most people hear. I’ve been happy with that. Being able to hear even better than that has blown my mind. But now I want to give these new ones that I have on trial back. Knowing that these are not mine…nor do I particularly want this set anyway, since they have the word “DEMO” stamped on each of them, and that what I have with them is not going to last is getting too painful. Maybe I want an excuse to wallow in my own misery and feel bad. I don’t know. As much as I want to give them back tomorrow, I’m not. I’m going to hang onto them until the day I have to give them back. I’m going to try my best to deal with the loss with dignity, be thankful for what I have, and carry on with my life as usual. Do I think I’ll succeed? I don’t know. Time will tell.